But still I'm angry, so many things. But mostly I'm angry that I am nobody - and I hold myself fully responsible for that. When I was a girl I don't really remember any particular desire to be famous or to change the world in a good way. I remember wanting 4 kids, the picket fence, and a husband that can provide for me and our beautiful children. I think that one fell off the radar about age 19, by age 25, I knew that was so far from what I wanted. Another thing I wanted was to be a veterinarian. I spent the day at a veterinarian's office on "career day" - they operated on a dog whose belly was full of, I don't know, pink pus - it looked like pepto bismol. They had to do the surgery because the pus was building up and about to burst the poor animals belly. It was utterly horrendous and I knew that I could not do this job. Not because it grossed me out - no, too much country in me then to let that bother me. Instead, I realized that I felt so terrible for the poor animal that I was crying in pain for the sweet helpless animal that asked for nothing more than a meal and a loving pet now and then. To this day, I cannot stomach the pictures on social media and even television that show abused animals - to see this breaks my heart in so many pieces, I'm actually crying right now. It makes me angry at myself for this - because I know of no other way to garner sympathy than to rip the cover off and show the truth, the ugliness. Some of my reluctance to view the pictures stems from the anger I know it will cause me - the fury at people who could let this happen, or in fact cause the torture and killing of dogs (in particular). I cannot fathom what kind of person thinks this is ok - and I want to do something - but I'm not in control of the world. I don't get to make the rules and mandate that animal torturers face immediate death for their insane behavior. I mean, do we really want people like this on the face of our earth. How in the world can someone like that contribute to society in any way shape or form. That goes for child molesters, too. (Just Sayin'...). So...no veterinarian for me. I had even forgone my favorite German classes for a year of Latin, in case I needed it for reading the labels on the medicine bottles or something silly like that. The only other thing I felt passionate about was archeology, more specifically anthropology. I was completely fascinated by the Egyptians and Sumerians. I don't know what happened to that one.
When I got to high school - I think deep down I lost hope for myself - and began to pay more attention to how wild can I be without getting caught than school. It was an every other semester thing. One semester I would shake myself up and say, get a grip, good grades are important. The next semester I would care less if it were possible. The shame of how I fell through the system in school is part of my current anger. That an intelligent, curious, anxious to please poor as dirt girl could just fall through the cracks and graduate 362 out of 365 - I was never counseled about taking tests, ACT and SAT, for college. I must have been 30 or 40 before I even heard of them and wondered how they completely passed me by. I guess by the time I was a junior or maybe the beginning of my senior year - I realized this was not what I wanted - but the die was cast for my education - and no one in the guidance office ever saw potential in me, I guess - I know not a single one of them ever talked to me about my future. I decided to join the military. I would go places, do things I could never do in that small town I grew up in. And most importantly, I would make a contribution to the world. At least, the USA, if nothing else. :-) I really felt it was important to make a difference. I just didn't know in what - so despite the cold war era, and the passing of Viet Nam, where our troops were needlessly killed, and horribly looked down on by their own countrymen - I felt that was my best chance. Somehow, I got talked into joining the ANG first. You know, what if I hate the military? Then I'll be stuck 3 or 4 years full time. If I join the ANG and hate it - I only have to deal with it once a month and a week of every year. The recruiters were adorable and charming and I was hooked. I enjoyed boot camp, despite the fact that I had no athletic abilities and everything was painful work. Running, holding buckets for hours, marching, the endless drills. To graduate from boot camp, we were required to run 5 laps with our troop and the last lap we could do on our own. We also had to pass an obstacle course that we practiced on once before the live version. I kinda like that one - but still I was not the best obstacle course participant. Running was painful right up the the last time - I got better but it didn't help that I smoked. Back then, we were allowed to smoke in boot camp. "Smokers light 'em, if you got 'em" was my favorite words from the Drill Instructors. Strangely, though I wasn't selected first, I did wind up as a squad leader. Our drill instructor kept firing people if they screwed up too much. One day about 7 or 8 days into boot camp - I remember standing in formation, not really paying attention, she was...well, trying to show one of the squad leaders what to do - and that squad leader got fired on the spot. She yelled out "Helmig?" I was nearly frozen to the spot from fear but I went up to her - and she told me to take over as squad leader 1. There were 4 of us. We marched in 4 columns. There was a guidon, and roadguards. I had been picked for none of those positions initially, kinda bummed me out but there were many of us and faceless "pickles" to be sure. When she told me she wanted me to fill the position. I was beyond ecstatic. I filled that position with pride and never screwed up like the others had until she found me. Long story short - I was on my way to being asked to do things I never thought I could do and completing all that was asked of me with meticulous care and joy. Remember that "eager to please" part? :-)
Those were some very happy days for me. The military was good for me. And I was good for the military. One of the things that I still miss to this day is the completely crazy humor that went on all the time behind the scenes and the trust I was given by everybody to do what was asked of me. Never once did I encounter someone who had doubts about me. Never once did I let anyone down.
I came back from boot camp and tech school to be a civilian again - and I was depressed. The only job I could get was working as a "nurses aide" in a nursing home. Then I got a job working for an insurance company. I can't remember exactly what I did - it was boring as anything could be but I felt proud to be an "office worker" a white collar employee. Who knew that loudmouthed, laughing, crazy in secret girl from the small town surrounded by corn fields could pull off being a "city woman". I remember crushing terribly on a gorgeous redhead in another department. He noticed. He asked me out. We went on a few dates - and pretty soon I found myself crying about him. He just didn't do anything for me. And I felt terrible. It was what I wanted right? How come I didn't grow close to him and fall in love? He was...boring. He had not much of a personality. I bet he would have made the perfect husband and father of my 4 children. That he would have progressed in his position enough to support us while I raised the children. But I already knew I didn't want that. I wasn't sure what I wanted but staying home with kids was not one of my dreams any longer. Not even close.
Soon a position opened at the ANG base. A full time position - it was called an AGR job - and it was in my chosen career field (which is a really funny/ironic story and for another time). I applied and got the position - those were some happy days in my life. Instead of wearing an Air Force uniform - I just had to wear blue slacks/skirts, black shoes, and light blue blouses with collars. Or I could wear my uniform - totally up to me. I made so many friends there. I was on a softball team for the women and just had a blast. Still not in the greatest of shape - but I powered through the pain because the joy was so worth it. I found that many of the men there that worked full time were attracted to me. And I ate them like candy. Of course, I don't mean literally but I was so flattered by all the attention. Of course, I made some really awful choices - like going out with the married men who were interested in me, as well as, the unmarried ones. Oddly, the unmarried ones were ... like that red haired guy - so darned cute until I got to know them and then I would realize they weren't very charismatic? Exciting? Okay, I get to say it - they were boring. It never took me long to tire of them. But the taken ones, I broke my heart over many of them.
I started taking a few college courses and met this amazing hunk - tall, dark curly hair built like a brick you know what house. He had a black belt in karate - and I had the hots for him. He was in my criminal justice class I had been taking. Thinking even then of following the rules and maybe working towards another noble job in law enforcement. Who knew. His name was Bob Byrne - I remember because his last name was the same as the somewhat famous mayor of Chicago, Jane Byrne. She was the first woman to be elected mayor of such a big city - pretty cool. And weirdly, Bob, gorgeous hunky Bob was interested in me. We went out on dates and he was open with me that he dated other women. I was crazy jealous but I wanted him - so I was willing to put up with that. Back then - dating around was not as odd as it is now but it was definitely starting to fall out of favor. So, just to keep even, I started seeing this guy at the ANG who was gorgeous, sweet, and amazing in many things, but married. I remember once, ha ha, Bob was taking me to one of my softgames - on his motorcycle (yeah, of course, a cool guy like him had a motorcycle). And as we are headed to the game, I see my married man on his motorcycle. He is headed to my game, as well. Kinda embarrassing but it was sorta funny. I think Bob might have been a bit jealous, Kevin was also tall, built like a weight lifter and sweet as can be. But Bob still withheld a part of him from me - and I knew we were not to be.
My boss wanted me to learn more about my job and he sent me back to Shepherd AFB, TX - where I first trained after boot camp. I was thrilled to be traveling and going to meet new people - the usual - and of course, I loved learning new things. I don't know what was wrong with me in high school but after high school I could not get enough of learning. I'm to this day, at 58, still taking classes.
When I got to the class, I met my first husband. Also tall, built and dark haired. Yeah, I had a certain type. He was miserable, his wife had just upped and left him for another man. They had a baby together, and the baby (according to him was probably not even his) was going with mom. He was so hysterically funny, he was very smart, and the type of person I like to be around - he knew where he was going and had an ambition to be the youngest Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force. His father was also in the Air Force and had become Base Chief Master Sergeant (to be honest, I forget the specifically title - but it's like an honorarium and it's meant to be a reward and it means you are the guy everyone goes to for ... help...whatever. I knew I wanted him. He was so sad in his divorce and I wanted to mother him. And in a sense he was unavailable. I went back to the ANG with a totally new goal. I wanted to go active duty and be with my future husband. Ha ha. Of course, everyone looked at me like I was crazy - don't you know those tech school romances never work out??? But I wouldn't listen to anyone - it was ultimately the best decision I ever made but it paid a lot for this decision. The regular AF made me take the ASVAB all over again. And because of my score - they felt I was a good candidate to take the DLAB. I was just falling over in awesome wowness. I was smart and the AF really wanted me. The score I got on the DLAB was so high - that I was the immediate interest of many of the people there at the MEPS station. They had not seen a score that high...in...well...maybe never? They told me I was going to go to Monterey Bay, CA to linguist school and I was going to be good at it. I was so torn. I was joining to join my "love" at Shaw AFB CA (hopefully) and here they were tempting me with this exciting career - part of me wanted it to happen and I would just lie to Bruce and tell him, I wasn't given a choice. The military was famous for doing that back then. Making promises you'll go here - or there - and then pulling the rug out and training you in a completely different career than you asked for - and sending you to places like "Why Not Minot" AFB, ND, the "armpit of the AF" - who ever asked to go that base??? But send them to Minot AFB and a slew of other undesirable assignments, they did.
The MEPS people found out that I was already trained and a 5 level in a career field that was chronically undermanned (it was a crappy job I found out later). And they decided that too much money had already been invested in me in that career field - and they did me the courtesy of sending me to Shaw AFB, SC - where my future was anxiously waiting for me. Me, I was kinda disappointed but not really. It was all new adventures to me. My life in many ways went downhill from there but at the same time - the best years of my life were in the USAF. The downhill part was marrying a man I knew I didn't want to marry - and then trying to get out of it. Long story short - he was really angry with me. I was the second woman to leave him, high and dry. And he wasn't a loser. No sir. He was a winner. And I was selfish to not want to see him succeed. But I got tired of being the butt of his hilarious jokes. And I got tired of him doing things to me that I hated but wouldn't quit just because I asked him to - and like all the other guys/men in my life I fell out of love with him pretty quickly before we got married actually. He kinda "blackmailed" me into marrying him anyway. He told me he wouldn't be able to live if I didn't marry him. And he would cry genuine wet tears...The marriage was pretty miserable at times. I didn't want to hurt him. That's an awful thing to do to a human being make them so sad they wanted to commit suicide (that's pretty much the blackmail right there.) Other times I tried to make the best of it. I wasn't going to get a divorce, by golly. That is a big sin against God and my family would disown me. Notice how my feelings didn't matter here? But he was really a very shallow person. Only cared about his appearances and how was I supporting him in this manner? My job was to be anything he needed me to be in order to be well liked, charming, a winner in the USAF - and I should never, ever, ever disagree with him publicly or otherwise not do his bidding. We had been married about 4 years - and I had already cheated on him 3 or 4 times. I know I'm a miserable person. I just didn't love him. I was so unhappy. The affairs made me feel like a real person and good. He did not.
He wanted to have a baby - to cement our marriage. I wasn't too jazzed but I still wasn't thinking seriously about divorce. He found out that he had varicoceles that were strangulating his testicles and causing them to produce very little sperm. He had it taken care of medically - and for a few weeks he actually left me alone. No demands for sex that I never wanted to have with him. But then he healed and he was back at it - we left one base and went to the next one and I was pregnant. It's a big joke in the military that everyone gets pregnant when they move. They say you are so stressed out about the move that you don't have time to worry/stress/think about getting pregnant and BOOM you get pregnant because you stopped thinking about it. I was pretty overjoyed. I wanted this baby to fix our marriage and I wanted this baby - I wanted my own baby to love without question. A baby that would love me without any demands to be something I was not. We had that baby and things just got worse. Eventually, I left him - but it was the most dramatic, horrible thing I had ever to date. It tore me up. I was a horrible person for giving up after 5 years. I was horrible person for taking away my babies daddy. I was a horrible person. But I left him and I was so happy. The big fly in my ointment was that he spent the majority of the summer begging me not to leave him and threatening to kill himself. I went on a trip in September and when I came back - everyone was quick to tell me that he was all over this chick in the barracks. I was so relieved. Finally, he will leave me alone and get on with his life. His happiness was no longer built on me. I was not responsible for him any longer. The black clouds moved on. Life was pretty good - except...he wanted nothing to do with me. When we divorced - I knew from the past experience he had with his first wife - that he was very, very, very resentful of paying child support. That she was a whore and spent the money on herself and on and on. When I asked him for the divorce - I did talk to a military lawyer - they cannot proctor the divorces but they can advise you a bit. He suggested that I not ask for child support. And I would get "dependent rate BAQ" and the difference was about the same as child support. And that would allow me to ask him to give me complete custody so that when I got assigned to a new base - I would not need his permissions for my child. It sounded good to me - so I told Bruce he would not have to pay child support - he was relieved. And that made it that much easier. When I asked for complete custody because of the future would see us going to different bases all the time. He agreed. But after it was all done - he had absolutely no interest in see his baby - one of the stupid things he said was that if I wanted sole custody then why was I trying to get him to see her? He felt that the baby would remind him too much of me and that it would also mean he would have to deal with me - and also if he took the baby - wouldn't that free me up to go out and have a good time? WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!
All of this despite the fact that he was already married again when this was happening. His wife fully supported him (as I had when he went through the first divorce but he portrayed her as a loose slut with money issues). I felt pretty sure he was doing the same thing to me. I was upset because I did need a break now and then. She, the baby, turned out to be one with high anxieties and she couldn't be separated from me without a lot of crying and drama. And no, she did not stop crying the minute I left daycare - she would usually spend every day pining for me and not interested in the other kids or activities there. I felt like dad would be a good influence for her for making friends and learning to be independent. But he would not cooperate. So I started insinuating that I could collect child support from him - if he didn't want to take our daughter. In other words - I blackmailed him into taking her. Honestly, my biggest thing was her not having a father in her life. He was a huge narcissist egotistical jerk - but his public persona was funny and he was surrounded by good people. I knew it would do my daughter good to get used to not clinging to me all the time. But he made it so difficult. He would bring her back and tell me she would have nothing to do with him. And his wife was the only one to get her to eat - otherwise she might starve to death. It basically came down to his wife was raising my daughter there. This made me very unhappy. But as I found out - I cannot control other people. I can only be angry. Because then - I didn't know much about myself yet. I was only 28 and still had a lot to learn. The biggest thing I have learned as a angry person - is that being angry at someone is the same as allowing a poisonous snake to bite you but instead of thinking you will die - you believe the snake will die. Not true obviously. I tried very hard to be this person - hold no anger - but he made it difficult. Every time I'd start to feel good about myself - we'd have some kind of altercation - over daughter - and my sense of self worth woud dive bomb. And of course, I made a lot of poor choices while I was divorced about men that is - at first it was just me...FREE FREE FREE...and then I started settling down. I realized I still wanted to find that special someone. I was ok with waiting a bit - but acting crazy in the meantime was not conducive to my self worth staying well.
Five years after my divorce - I met husband number 2. I will not spend as much time talking about him but 10 years of me cringing because he was always an angry person. Not angry exactly but easily annoyed. Everything annoyed him. Highway signs were stupid and pissed him off. Women drivers were stupid and pissed him off. Black people sitting on their porch, unemployed really pissed him off. If I didn't stick to a schedule he would get pissed off. He really got pissed off about that kind of thing often. I'd go to the grocery store and come back two hours later. Why the heck was I gone so long. I'd shrug and say, I don't know, I guess I kinda get wrapped up in reading stuff in the store, labels, signs, it was basically a huge distracting job, shopping, and I was easily distracted. And that pissed him off. My daughter really pissed him off. But when we had our (my 2nd) daughter 7 years after we married - he really lost his temper all the time about my first daughter. He was super pissed that her father was not paying child support. In fact, ha ha, did I mention that when we were married, he paid 1800 to his first wife to pay for the legal fees so that her second husband could adopt his son from that marriage. And sure enough, after I got married to husband number 2 - the letter arrived - written by the wife, of course, because he couldn't be bothered to write if he had his wife there to do it, right? They encouraged me to have my 2nd husband adopt my daughter. That really incensed me and of course, it incensed him. Number 2 felt Number 1 should pay to take care of his kid. He brought her into the world - it was his responsibility. Number 1 just wanted her gone. We went through a terrible time - where my husband would never let it drop about child support - and finally to get him off my back I told hubby 1 that I was between a rock and hard place and it was really his duty to help take care of her. He resisted and finally started sending me 200.00 savings bonds. The pretext was that he wanted her to have the money - to use for college, etc. You, dear reader, understand that savings bonds have only half the value - at the purchase time. You pay 100.00 for 200.00 bonds - and they could take 20 years to mature. Hubby 2 was incensed - and so was I but I hated the conflict. I hated this anger coming at me from all sides. My girl was so painfully shy that she was diagnosed with social phobia - and yet hubby 2 would absolutely act like a child when she was too shy to talk to him. Well, "she" started it!!! Really, you are an adult. When we had our baby - they never spoke to each other. She was 12 years old - and we had married when she was 5 years old. These two were strangers in my house - and anytime I spent my money (I made just as much sometimes more) as he did - on her he railed and railed about hubby 1. He really resented spending any of his hard earned money for that other guys kid. Yes, this continued into the raising of our daughter - it actually made him angrier and angrier. He was just awful to her and to me. The marriage ended after 10 years. Ok, I doubled the marriage years - so that meant I tried twice as hard, right? No, I just keep making stupid choices. It's really on me - all these years of misery. I chose both of them - and on paper they looked really good. The reality was completely different. Both of them had public personas that everyone just loved - but at home - I was the brunt of their personalities - in Hubby 2 it was just this constant anger - over everything. Some of the stuff that made him angry would just take me by complete surprise and flabbergast me. I was so much happier without him in the picture. But of course, you are never really divorced when you have children in the marriage.
I think I was a terrible mother. I was always so worried about the two girls missing out on something - that I overcompensated. That included discipline. To be honest, the two girls didn't need much. I could take them out in public any time and not worry about scenes and crying over unbought toys and whatever else it is that other kids scream about. At home, they never sassed me - they may forget to do their chores, not that they had any real ones, but they were never belligerent or outwardly rebellious. I pretty much made all the classic mistakes that many single mothers make - God forgive me for that. But for the most part, they both turned out pretty awesome people. They both care about humanity. They do not like confrontation (of course!) I think that says a lot about people - caring about someone else besides yourself - usually means you are not so selfish that you will willing hurt others, physically, abusively, or otherwise act like a sociopath. I think sociopaths are the bane of our society and why we have so many of them - says a lot about how we are scoring at the top of the food chain. We are not. We are losing it. Mankind was not meant to do this alone. We work best as teams and groups. Yet, we never seem get that. And that makes me angry.
After a half-century of trying to be a better person, I know, I know that anger is my problem - but still I cannot shet myself of this. I barely touched on the real reasons why I am angry all the time. I'm no longer angry about the ex's in a specific sense. The add to the general malaise of anger - because they have never been sorry for any horrible thing they did to me and my life. And that there is the problem. We circle back to the beginning. I didn't know what I wanted then - but I think I knew I wanted to be extraordinary - I wanted to make a positive impact on this world. And what makes me the angriest and that many times - I am just being held back because I'm a woman. Yeah, I know that came out of left field. I meant for this entire blog to be about the misery it is to be a woman in a mans work world. But as I started writing this - thinking about how I wanted to make a point that I am angry and I cannot stop it. I guess I felt like it was important to talk about the mistakes I made in the beginning. After writing all of this - I realize that I blame myself for a lot of this - not the discrimination but that I put myself in these positions. I made so many mistakes that I did not progress very well once I left the USAF - the lack of progression, the lack of impact is why I'm so angry all the time. So I suppose in someway I've acknowledge that it's not everyone else's fault. I made some mistakes that I didn't mention. But I hear a blog is not supposed to be a book - so I'm trying hard to make a point. I don't want to be angry - and no matter how much I study on it - no matter what wonderful advice I find - I'm still angry. The advice doesn't' seem to "cut it" for me. I know the real sufferer, the victim, if you will, of my anger, is just me. Only me. But I continue to wait for reparations or apologies - or at least acknowledge that I'm angry about valid issues. And that I deserve a few apologies - and I know that is what it really is - I won't stop being angry until I know the reasons why I am angry are acknowledged and are not diminished in my attempts to heal myself. By diminished I mean, to forgive someone even though they haven't asked for forgiven makes me feel diminished. I do not feel like Mother Teresa, that's for sure. I try and try to forgive and forget - but as many times as I try to forgive myself and others - and I think I'm done with it - it comes back in full fury and force - when yet another thing happens to me that makes me know for a fact that life is definitely not fair. I honestly don't think I'm asking for fairness - I know that I will never give. It's really a truth - life is not fair. And we are not here to get justice in that. I expect bad things to happen to me. I expect to have unlucky days. I just want to know that some of the causes are sorry that they caused it - I am so willing to forgive anyone - when they say to me, I'm sorry. Man, that is a no brainer. It definitely does seem that the anger issues I have are things that have happened with no justice.
I'm reading a lot in the Bible about anger. I know God does not have tolerance for anger. Afterall, he forgives us of everything - why can't we do the same? Here is one passage in particular that really goes into detail. I feel like it's encouraging for me - but ... I seem to forget it a lot.
Colossians 3 (ESV)
Put On the New Self
1 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. 5 Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 6 On account of these the wrath of God is coming.
7 In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. 8 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. 11 Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all. 12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
I guess the difference for me is that I asked God to forgive me. I want to very much put on love and peace. But I've never had anyone come back and tell me they were responsible for this misery or that misery. So I don't feel forgiveness in my heart. And that is stupid, too. I'm not better than God that I can pick and choose who or what I forgive. I should be forgiving everything, after all God forgives everything. Even child molesters should they repent, change and ask for forgiveness. Of course, I don't know of any who have done that. But what do I know, right?
This shall probably be continued. I wanted to try and work out my anger - and instead I spent too much time dwelling on my past. It's ok, I forgive myself for this blog. But I'm guessing you dear reader have had enough. No one can take that much whining...
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