This has been on my mind long before the the #metoo phase - what got me started thinking about it was a post from someone I respect very much. The post was a very well worded admonishment to girls and women to dress modestly because to dress immodestly is to cause men to sin (not to mention, God isn't gonna be real happy with how you dress that temple). That it's our duty to not lead people to sin. Leading others to sin is sin, as well. I agree - we should do every thing we can to keep from leading others down that wide path, that path is so smooth and easy to travel.
However, I take some exception to these constant admonishments to girls and women to dress modestly. It's not that I think we should be allowed to dress as immodestly as we want - no, really, I believe in modesty. Our bodies are our most precious treasure - well, it's really our only true treasure. We should take care of it - and keep it under control. What bothers me are the implications not said in the modesty lectures.
First, who is deciding what is modest and immodest? Men. Yep, when a man looks at a women and is immediately sent off in a fantasy of wanton behavior with that woman - you can believe it's the woman's manner of attire that caused it. But wait, did you say you have a thing for women's feet and seeing them in sandals is your big turn on? Or...you love big blue eyes - just bat them once and you have gone to your happy playboy place? And oh, that long blond hair, don't you just want to grab it and drag her to your cave and assault her? Or perhaps you are oddly different, you've always wanted to be swallowed whole by a woman and journey through her body, so when she puts that forkful of roast beef in her mouth, all you can think about is how much you want to be that beef and soon your mind and your body is out of control. Yeah, I think I'm making a point here that should be easy to grasp. We women are really at the mercy and whim of men's imaginations. What is modest to one man may be very immodest to another. And we might as well, cover up our feet, faces, and hair while we are at it - if we are suppose to dress in a manner that does not attract men. Why are we women constantly under scrutiny and judgment about dressing indecently and attracting unwanted attention? How can we possibly know how every man thinks?
How about instead we spend more time telling men this: Men, you must learn that you have no right to put us in the center of your fantasies without our will. You need to understand - the problem is that you have no willpower - not women. So let's work on your will power and how you think of women as chattel and sex objects, not the way you dress or we dress.
What would work, do you think? My suggestion: Mothers could tell their son's that no matter how other people dress - it doesn't give them right to think that person wants to be the object of their sexual fantasies. And it definitely, doesn't mean they have the right to sexually assault women.
We think men know this because we are always telling the women this - but do we really tell men? We spend way, way, way too much time analyzing women's behavior and what they could have done to prevent being in an awkward situation. Ironically, who didn't grow up thinking men were supposed to be our protectors? That we were weak and they were strong? So what went wrong?
It's this constant assessing and judging of women - telling them what constitutes appropriate behavior, dress, location, speech and anything else that might give men the wrong idea. It's so obvious. We should be telling men - don't get the wrong idea - ever. Simple. Here's another good one, Men, when you are at that frat party and you are drinking too much, you should be looking out for the others who are weaker than you, not ignoring what is going on, or participating.
Years ago, I went to a party at the officer's club in Turkey. While it was primarily American's, there were a few Turkish hanger-ons. I went with my friend, Debbie. She promised if I had too much too drink she would look out for me - and vice versa. I had on a cute little dress - not immodest by most standards but I sure felt "hot" in it. I had a great time, dancing, playing pool, I am a social butterfly and flitted around and around and everyone bought me drinks until I had way too much. You know, I wound up in a closet for awhile half passed out. Just trying to recover. When I finally pulled it together, I came out and almost everyone was gone from the party - and there was Adam (his real name was Etham but he Americanized his name to fit in). Not really sure what Adam's real job was but he always seemed to be at parties, and on tours with us. I think he was a tour guide, who knows. I asked him if he had seen my friend Debbie, who he also knew, and he said yes, and guided me out of the club and somewhere across the street, not sure exactly where. I was completely oblivious and trusting of Adam. As soon as we got inside, instead of turning on a light, he knocked me to the floor and started tearing off my dress and pantyhose, muttering all the while, "you know you want it". I was so drunk - I simply did not respond. I remember trying to push him off of me but having no impact what-so-ever. I remember not screaming? Why? I was just that drunk. I remember rolling my legs around trying to twist away but I wasn't successful. Later, I got out on my own, found my car and drove myself home - still very drunk. I didn't care at this point if I got a DUI in Turkey. I didn't care if getting arrested in Turkey meant I could spend time at the Kerahani (jail for women where they work off their time as prostitutes). I just wanted to go home and feel safe. The next day, I called Debbie or maybe she called me and we talked about the night before - she asked me where I had disappeared - she thought maybe I had taken a cab home. I told her. She was in utter shock and horrified that she had left me in the clutches of that creep. It wasn't her fault, really. She did her duty. She didn't see me for the longest time - and this was before the time of cell phones. She wanted me to report Adam to authorities. I refused. She was livid with me. How could I let this monster continue to prey on other women. My only defense was that other women probably weren't as dumb as I was - getting so drunk and being alone when I should not have been. She kept insisting it wasn't my fault. I kept insisting I didn't want to go through what I knew would be my own reputation on trial. I would hear things like - are you angry with this man and want to get even with him? Is that why you made up this story? Don't you think maybe you led him on? Why didn't you fight harder? Is it true you were flirting with everyone at the party? You are not a delicate petite female, why couldn't you push him off? What were you doing getting so drunk in the first place? Why did you wear that dress when you know how Turkish men feel about American women? And on and on and on. At the time - I didn't have many answers - mostly just guilt and maybe I agreed. I deserved it - I had acted awful.
The #metoo movement took a big chunk of the media's time. I heard many people (men) say things like, this is just women getting revenge. Or, why did they wait so long? I heard a lot of people say things like they probably agreed at first and then changed their mind. What I heard over and over again were excuses for why the women were wrong for "telling" on the men. What I never heard once was - why so many men think it was ok to do this? Even in this time of political correctness - sexual harassment has a way of thinking it's exempt from scrutiny and censor.
And now this business of a politician and a woman who came forward after remaining quiet so many years. There have been allegations of a book deal and self-interest in promotion or politics for herself. Ok, that maybe true. But what I've been hearing most of all - is that she has no right to come out and talk about something that happened 30 years ago. And worst of all, only women who want to stir up trouble (liberals - the opposite political party in this case - next time it will be the other way around, I'm sure) will use something from 30 years ago. And what was she doing at that frat party in the first place, she probably asked for it. This TERRIFIES me - especially because a lot of women are saying this. Really? We are hearing this current story about 2 people where one was a woman who claims she was attacked years ago by the other and making it seem as though it's her fault for waiting too long. Or that it's unbelievable because she waited too long. In either case, what does that say to someone like me? Someone in the exact same situation? That it no longer counts?
Wait, does that mean we should not believe the men who came out 20-30 years later and informed on their priests who abused them when they were boys? Are these men just bringing up some old history for the sake of ruining the priests lives, are they selfish, also, then?
I don't care if this woman is telling the truth or not - what I care about is the way people are going about attacking her actions. We are telling every woman in the world that what happened to them 30 years ago is invalid. Sorry, but what happened to me in Turkey is one of my strongest memories. It's as valid as anything else that has happened to me and has shaped who I am today. It is not the only thing that has shaped me but it was significant. Now I am ashamed of myself for falling for those dumb excuses that only men seem to come up with - that I was asking for it, that I dressed for it, that I put myself in the situation, that I deserved it. NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO HAVE THEIR BODIES VIOLATED AGAINST THEIR WILL. This is a law that will never change.
And until people walk a mile in my shoes or in the shoes of others who have been violated - I would ask that you stop giving your opinion on whether or not a woman deserves to tell her story, to be assaulted, or to otherwise find her guilty of something she did not want nor do.
I also hear women (and men) now talking about the possibility of their sons, brothers, male friends could be brought up on sexual assault charges anytime a woman feels like getting revenge - and everyone has to take the woman's word for it - whether it's true or not. Don't you think if someone woman is plotting revenge on your man - that maybe, just maybe...he might have already played some role or reason in why this woman is angry? Otherwise, maybe you need to do a better job of raising your male family members. Stop telling them that woman should not be assaulted if they are dressed immodestly. Instead, tell them women should never be assaulted - period. In fact, no one should ever be sexually assaulted. It is wrong, wrong, wrong, to sexually assault anyone against their will. Their is no "asking for it". And their role in life is to protect anyone in need of it (weaker than them), not ignore them or take advantage of them. And once we get that through men's heads we won't even have to tell women to stop dressing immodestly for their own safety and stop going to parties for their own safety. And more than likely, there won't be women out there making up stories about men for revenge.
And please, I don't want anyone getting on here and telling me about the men who get assaulted by women. Of course, they are included - however, I just will not and cannot believe the numbers are anywhere near close to what happens to women - and it probably hasn't been happening since time immemorial. Besides, that does not justify women getting sexually assaulted, either.
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