Unfinished Business, an Unfinished Life

I think from the picture you will know somewhat about the topic of this particular post. But it's going to be so much more than that. I have a lot I need to "spew" today.

Yesterday, I went to church for the first time in about 3 weeks. Yep, I've been attending church quite regularly since I moved to Kentucky. It's wonderful. I have found a family of caring people. I am sure it helps that my real family is there, too. It always helps to have family, if they love you, of course. It's one of the real things I missed about moving so much in the military and my entire adult life. On the one hand, moving gave me a much bigger perspective on the human condition and motivation, on the other hand, I lost my closest support system. At the time, it was what I thought I wanted. Who knew...?

In the sermon given, the topic was not at all about suicide yet, the one verse that was part of the sermon jumped up and grabbed me. It was:

26 Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose. 27 The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. 28 But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! We are all here!” Acts 16 (NIV)

This particular chapter and verse of the Bible was not at all about suicide. Please read it all to get the true story. I am not attempting to take it out of context - simply giving you context to my own personal revelation. The jailer knew that if the prisoners escaped he would be held responsible for such an act of complete irresponsibility and be shamed and executed. Paul, knowing this also, stopped him, before he could do this vile act - and told him that they had not escaped that they were still there. The lights came on and the jailer saw that it was true - and he immediately asked what he needed to do to become a christian. The rest, as they say, is history. Paul and Silas, while praying to God in love and concern, not only saved the prisoners, but helped saved the jailer. This is where I got completely hung up. The message of this particular chapter was a bit different but I dwelled on this for the rest of the morning. Afterwards, I went to our preacher and asked him why he picked this particular chapter this morning. At first, he said he wanted to give a message of hope about being baptised and saved - but I said, no, no, I meant, in this particular case, the jailer was about to commit suicide and I wonder if there was something about *that* and he realized where I was going with it. I told him, that I felt that I had failed my own duty to stop someone very special and dear to me. That I did not cry out "Don't harm yourself! We are all here!" because it was this very thing was what I thought should have been said to my lost young soldier, my daughter's lost sweetheart, the deep thinking, sharp young man she wanted to marry. The brave soldier who carried demons inside about many things but especially about his tours of duty in Afghanistan. He was trained as a mechanic on Bradley tanks, but served as a minesweeper scout in the Persian gulf war(s). I could go on and on about him but this post is really about what I could have done and why we (especially me) probably failed. Maybe there is no right answer but I want to dedicate the rest of my life to finding the right answers. I may stumble, fall, and fail over and over again, but if I can reach just one, I feel that it will be worth it to keep trying.

I had a strange dream last night, and honestly I no longer recall much of it any longer, but it clarified a few things for me this morning. One of the things, that I go through, that I think many of the 22 daily go through, along with the horrors of war, is that we entered into the service, we were broken down, made blank, and then we were formed as a member of a special team. This team we formed was one where we would always have each other's back. We called it covering your 6, think about a clock - and where the number 6 would fall if the number 12 were the front of you.

And it was the breaking down, and cleansing, and forming a team that strived for perfection, because only perfection will save lives, that was so perfectly instilled in us; that makes us, former military, so hard to get along with in the civilian world. This training, and our constant employment of the training at our missions, makes it all the more disappointing to veterans in the civilian world. We get out from our service, newly awash with enthusiasm, that we can do anything!!! That, along with teamwork and a lot of good old fashioned elbow grease. And we then...find out, our new civilian employers don't bother to train us, but hold us responsible if mistakes are made, don't make documentation but expect us to know the rules, ask us to act as a team but then throw us under the bus, or sell us out to the other side, fire us if we appear to threaten their positions, rather than promote us for doing a good job. Veterans find our government not only doesn't care about us, but spend much money on warfare but make more laws to take away benefits we were promised when we enlisted. The very same enlistment where we made an oath with the government and the American people: 

I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.

For many of us, the oath never ended. But when the government, the politicians began to turn us away, began to deny us the benefits, that we were promised, when the civilian sector refused to acknowledge the training we received, we began to falter, to lose confidence, to wonder why, we ever served in the first place. And we sometimes even cry out for help, to the VA Hospitals, only to find they are more concerned with scheduling, and vacations, and internal promotions, and CYA, and we try to show our pride, with flags and are told our neighborhoods don't want the flags, don't want our service, and we began to try to hide the demons, because it appears that the demons are for us and us alone...

I am missing my transition right here - the one that will tie the above to the conclusion. I will never, in a hundred years, be able to write enough to clarify what the problem really is or which solution is really right - but for me - I believe I have found my problem and I have a new solution I am going to try.

This is probably one of the more rambling blogs I'll ever write - I needed to get some things off my chest - but here are some of my conclusions.

1. We don't love each other enough - we seem to only care about getting more than the other person.
2. The government is our own worst enemy, not ISIS or ISS or NAZI's or Communism or Socialism or illegal immigrants, even.

I pledge to show my love more and openly - I don't care if it labels me a "tree-hugging liberal" if people want to label me as such - they are part of the problem - not the solution. I'm not even sure I know what a liberal is - I only know that if I am one - I am a hated individual. If I become hated for loving people, well, then I think I've done my job. And I hope I can persuade those of you who wonder where or if they've failed, too, to help others by openly showing love and more importantly compassion, then I know my solution has worked.